


Should Have

by stillostome



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, But not to Changmin, Changmin wants one last good-bye, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Goodbyes, M/M, Regret, Romance, Yunho's getting married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 08:42:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4385120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillostome/pseuds/stillostome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He is no longer mine to protect, mine to hold, mine to cherish.<br/>My place beside him has been taken, and I let it happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Should Have

Hiding in the shadows, I watched as the party danced around me. The glow of the lights forever hovering by the tips of my shoes, but never daring to venture further. Other patrons would pause by the edge of the darkness, peering into the shadows before moving away back to the center of the light where He stood.  Forever the center of attention. The light that shown from him drew people to him like moths.

 

Even had this get together not been for him, the masses would turn from the host, gazing fondly at their golden boy.

 

_"Changmin," A whispered beg, a plea. Fingertips traced along the sides of my face, down my arms, jumping to outline the stark line of my hip. "You shouldn't be here." Yet the fingertips refused to leave me._

 

He smiles gently out at his faithful admirers. Dogs, the lot of them. More specifically hyenas, maybe even vultures. Am I the only one who sees the annoyed glint in the depths of his almond eyes?

 

I've seen it many times. Obnoxious idiots, students and teachers alike would plague our student body president, all believing they could do a better job. That their ideas had merit. Right, like adding a video game room would increase productivity.

 

He's still dealing with idiots, just idiots with bigger egos and much more jaded than before.

 

_"Do you want me to leave?" My words are whispered into the silent night, quickly disappearing as though they had never been spoken in the first place._

 

The need to leave the safety of my shadows and shoo the annoying flies away, to protect him from that senseless chatter is overwhelming. But that's not my job anymore. My place beside him has been taken, and I let it happen.

 

He is no longer mine to protect, mine to hold, mine to cherish. I am no longer the only one who sees his childishness, his foolishness or even his anger. I no longer stand by his side as I did throughout high school and college. It's no longer up to me to keep the masses at an arms length, to play the bad guy so they see him as good. None could see his flaws.

 

They can only see how hard he works, how kind he is, how perfect he can be. They can't see his insecurities, his stubbornness, how easily he gets annoyed. If they did all the work would be for not. Now he's in a high position, soon to inherit the company. I no longer have a place in his life.

 

_"No, don't leave." His eyes meet mine, fear shining in the dark. He leans closer to me, lips brushing lips but not touching. The distance is something I must cross. And I do, though we both know this will be the last time. The kiss is desperate, needy, and hard, but most of all it's bittersweet._

 

Just then She comes in, the one who stole my spot. The chatter dies down, but never fades as she enters the room. The mass of people surrounding Him part like the Red Sea. I would laugh if it didn't hurt so much. The vultures smile as She reaches Him, their golden couple shining like the sun. I would never have been so accepted.

 

He picks up one of her hands, giving it a chaste kiss as the swarm nod in approval. For Her, it's a standard greeting, just like he used to greet me with a less chaste kiss on the lips. Though that was only ever in private. I wonder if He greets her in the same manner when they are alone.

 

Part of me prays he doesn't. That it will forever be my greeting. Though I cannot keep that greeting any longer. In a few moments the crowd will cry out in glee as my place is permanently taken.

 

The pain has become a throbbing in my chest, but over the past few months I've grown used to it. Soon it will be my constant companion. I shouldn't even be here. He would be angry that I came, but He would also be hurt. Yet I can't let it end this way. I need to make sure that She can protect him. Most of all, I need to see Him leave, to see Him open his arms for Her, to watch as they begin a new life with each other. I have to see it. Pain be damned, I need to see him happy. It's the only way I'll ever be able to move on.

 

_"My flight to America departs in the morning," I say when we part for air. Fear is replaced with hurt, and for the first time in my life there is nothing I can do to make it go away._

 

_"You don't have to leave," he whispers pushing me deeper into the alcove hiding us from the rest of the world. His eyes remain on mine as his hands quickly and efficiently unbutton my shirt._

 

_"No," I reply my hands returning the favor. "But I need to."_

 

An older man clears his throat doing the impossible of silencing the room. The elder beams out towards Him, his only son and heir, gesturing for Him to come up and stand at the front.

 

"As many of you are well aware of, tonight we are celebrating my son's taking my chair in the CEO's office. For those that are wary about his age, rest assured that I'm not leaving the company just yet." He exclaims with a broad smile. The audience laughs, just as they are supposed to. The former CEO waits until there is silence once more. "There is another thing we must celebrate tonight. Yunho, would you care to do the honors?"

 

This is it. I cling to my shadows, biting my lips as I wait for Him to deliver the wondrous news.

 

He stands there surrounded by golden light, a smile on his face as he gazes out into his captive audience. His gaze stops on Her and the smile widens. "Everyone I have an announcement to make. Ara, would you like to join me on stage."

 

The masses twitter between themselves, most already guessing what's about to happen. I see some disappointed faces in the crowd, but most are from the girls that always coveted my position for themselves. Within seconds She is right up there besides Him, and a loving look is exchanged. Any moment now.

 

"Ara and I have been dating for nearly a year now, and already I can't imagine my life without her." You used to say the same thing about me. "We have decided to take the next step in our relationship and get married. Please congratulate us and wish us well."

 

The room burst out into applause, just as the tears began to stream from my eyes. It's official, he's no longer mine. I look out the window to see the sun setting. It’s fitting. The sun has set on my time with him. Tomorrow it shall rise for her's. But tonight…tonight is all I have left.

 

People surround them both, congratulations repeat over and over again. His eyes sweep across the room, thanking everyone for being here. I know the moment he sees me. The smile drops a fraction and his eyes widen ever so slightly. His admirers don't even notice what's going on the change was so minuscule. Marvelous acting for someone who claims to be horrible at it.

 

I give a small nod before turning away. I know he'll follow me, he also knows that tonight is all we have. After all he was the one who suggested the transfer. He thought I won't take it, he thought I would stay in Seoul. That I would stay near him, or maybe he just hoped. I can't stay, not here.

 

Turning on top of the large staircase, I make my way up to the unlit second level of this mansion. Guests aren't supposed to go up here, but then neither does any one else. Large windows show the darkening sky with little alcoves so people can sit and watch the day go by.

 

It's here that Yunho catches me, pulling me deeper into the shadows that seem to follow me, his hands touching me as though I was a mere wisp.

 

"Changmin, you shouldn't be here."

 

*

 

Reluctantly we part from our hurried coupling. Yunho dropping small kisses on my neck, my cheek, my nose, but never my lips. He looked at me as though I was his sun. But how can I be a sun when I'm always in the dark?

 

"Changmin, I love-" He began, but I cut him off with a smile.

 

"You love your fiancée, Yunho." The tears are threatening to overflow, yet I will not let him see me cry. "You once vowed to love your wife, and only to your wife. I won't let you go back on that oath now."

 

"Changmin, when I made that promise it was because I saw you standing on the other side of the alter." His beautiful, and so much loved voice was breaking.

 

"We both know that was never going to happen. Now you need to get back, they'll be looking for you." I gave him a gentle push.

 

Instead of leaving, Yunho grabbed my face with his hands and gave me one last kiss. "I know you won't, but please, please be happy in San Francisco. For me, please just live your life, don't dwell in the past."

 

Without waiting for my reply, he turned on his heel and started walking down the corridor back to his pretty fiancée. Before he had gone more than five steps, Yunho turned to face me. "For what its worth, I wish she was you too."

 

I waited until he was out of sight. Then I waited another minute before collapsing onto the floor, biting my hand to keep from crying out, to keep him from hearing my cries. He wanted me to know how he felt, that he didn't want this marriage as much I don't want it. But instead of comfort, it only makes the pain worse.

 

It could have been me.

 

It would have been me.

 

That should have been me by his side.

 

If I had just said, "Who cares what they think, I have you,"

 

"We can just adopt"

.

.

.

 "I love you"

 

It would have been me.

 

But I didn't. And now it never will be.

 

 

 

 


End file.
